Thursday, 11 October 2012


I was watching the Morrissey and Stephen Colbert interview where they talked about Morrissey's militant vegetarianism and how for the day that he was on set, the entire building had to be meat free. Everyone had to adopt the vegetarian diet whilst he was around.

Initially, I was thinking, what a cheek! Then it struck me, if I could have the power to make everyone gluten free in my presence, would I?

First off, being a vegetarian is a choice. I went there for a few years after seeing an unmentionable act on a pig by that woman who allegedly had it away with Beckham (the one he never sued). Before you start thinking I'm into really weird sh*t, it was a prime time reality show about farming and no, I didn't expect that kind of thing! I've made a point of not watching any shows about farming ever since.

(I've just realised I'm taking about pigs again)

Anyway, I got lured out of vegetarianism after moving in with my Glutenite and the prospect of sharing our first Christmas dinner together. This was in fact the last traditional Christmas dinner I ate. Click here for my alternative to say the least Christmas dinner of the past 4 years.

I'd never expect others to share the same diet as me if it was a chosen one such as veggie, or low calorie or low fat, but when it's a diet that is totally not by choice but by necessity, if I had the power that meant everyone followed suit when around me, would I take the chance? Hell yes.

I'd only do it were it to be like a superpower though, that I didn't have to say anything, that everyone would just automatically be gluten free around me. I couldn't be bothered to nag, whinge or argue the point, it would just have to be a given. You can't just tell someone to be gluten free and expect a result, this sh*t takes an age to master. Can you imagine how many times you'd get the age old question "are potatoes gluten free?"

We have a 99.9% gluten free kitchen at present. It was 100% for a long time but then a packet of Herta frankfurters made their way into the shopping trolley a couple of weeks back. I've considered orchestrating their mysterious disappearance or doing a Stinky Meat project but to be honest, I can't bring myself to touch the pack. I'm that terrified of gluten.

I never asked my OH to be gluten free at home it just happened when I started cooking lots of yummy gluten free meals that appealed to us both, it's so lovely eating together, my parents however are another story. If I had the superpower where nothing need be said I'd feel a lot more comfortable when visiting them. It was there that I suffered my last glutening, which was my own fault really as making a gluten free meal in a non gluten free kitchen is never not going to be a danger. That was the eternal optimist who had that idea, I now tolerate no such thing when it comes to eating anywhere but my own home.

Morrissey has it easy, no meat or else no show. He doesn't have to worry about crumbs! If someone slapped him round the face with a big old steak he might be physically sick due to his principle "Meat Is Murder" but he wouldn't be damaging his health. Slap me with a baguette and I'd have to wait at least a week to kill you.

I'm not bothered about being able to fly or being invisible for my superpower, what I request is that everyone and everything becomes gluten free anywhere I go for the duration that I'm there, that's the superpower that I'd like to have.

You may have noticed a distinct lack of onion ringage today. I don't feel great, the cold is pushing it's way through and I'm doing all I can to fight it, I didn't have the get up and go to experiment. Chicken soup is on the hob as I write and thank heavens for those stock pots! I couldn't have been bothered to make it from scratch, 2 minutes prep and it was cooking on the hob.

I love you Knorr!

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